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Having an auto immune disease feels like a gradual yet steady descent into a deep dark damp hole - Similar to that of Depression, but not the same paradigm - ... as you begin to fall there are a few people that notice and try to reach out and grab you, but you are not able to hold on for very long, soon finger tips lose touch and the hole tightens its grasp. From this hole you have a hazy window from which you get to see life, and all that you once held so important. You watch it all pass you by, with time gaining speed, you make attempts to climb out, but you simply exhaust your body even more. Sorrow and anger and plain frustration are common place ... and, after a time, you don't want to "explain" how you feel anymore ... you don't have the energy, the desire, the will to get others to understand, heck, you are in a daily struggle for your life, you cannot waste your precious fleeting energy on words, words that so frequently go unheard anyway. 

There are a few days, absolutely wonderful and overwhelming days, where you actually feel like a human again ... Unsure of when to expect such a day, especially as the years roll by and your "bad days" outweigh your "good," you often awake with a better sense of your old self, like meeting someone that has been packed away and brought out for a special occasion. You seem to have little or no control over this person, or that of the obviously less desirable "sick person." All you know, is that when this person, this seemingly healthy body appears, you must take advantage of all it has to offer. I must say that this is a big pitfall in the world of the person living with an auto immune disease, especially someone whom is dealing with a very active period with no sign of a remission in sight. I say this because someone living with a chronic illness that involves itself in nearly every facet of one's life is walking a tight rope. A balancing act is putting it mildly when looking at how to have a "normal" and semi active life while struggling with such an illness. I cannot speak for other people living with the same or similar conditions, I can only speak for myself, but, I do believe that many would agree with me when I explain that "overdoing it" on a "good day" is a common occurrence. As a former perfectionist (former only because I could/can no longer physically deal with the pure energy perfectionism requires), a good day presents itself with so many "things" to do. So many things have been left undone, waiting for your attention, literally in every part/area of your life (from financial issues to personal relationships and everything in between), and when you have an opportunity to tackle the wide array of items that have been torturing you from afar, you try to get as much accomplished as possible before you drop from exhaustion. Unfortunately, because you are trying to put a few weeks of activity in a day or two, it is very easy to overdo it, which clearly creates imbalance and is usually just too much for a less than stellar body.

Plain and simple, when your body has been hijacked by some ridiculous condition, you cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, function at the 'average person's' level ... You simply cannot get even the most basic things done in an entire day that would easily be accomplished by a healthy energetic person in an hour or less. You are lucky (and happy) to be able to get out of bed, take care of your own hygiene, feed yourself (if you can stomach food or even have an appetite) and make a good attempt at contacting the "outside world." To some, perhaps many, individuals like this appear lazy, and are very frequently labeled as such. While putting myself in these outsiders' shoes, I can completely relate to how one might view such a person, as no one truly "gets it," until it touches their own lives in an intimate manner. And, even when something of this nature is in your life everyday, ... say you are living with a loved one that is experiencing the grasp of a chronic illness, you still don't really get to a level of complete understanding and true empathy.

I get it, it's hard to understand. It's difficult to grasp, and then deal with it on an everyday basis ... having compassion on a constant basis is a strain on the other party as well. Trust me, if you are that other person in the equation, we know that you want to scream, pull your hair out, and tell us to just get better dammit! Trust me, there is nothing more in this world that anyone with a chronic condition wants than to just BE NORMAL AND HEALTHY. It's not fun, it's not comfortable, it's not what "life" should be. 

After you are asked, over and over, how you are doing, how you are feeling, ... and things more sarcastic, like, so ... when are you going to feel better? - even while many questions are simply out of love, respect and concern - it becomes harder and harder to answer, or even speak at all, as the answer feels like it will never change. And I do believe that many people become fearful that perhaps it won't ... at least this has become a very real fear for myself. I think too, that because such an all encompassing health related condition can feel as if it has saturated your life (and often it does), it absorbs a lot of one's being and fills the many corners of the person's existence, even when it is actively resisted. This leaves the disease in control, and it very quickly and easily begins to feel like you are the disease ... that it is the only thing that defines you. This is a tough place to be, and again, you find yourself trying to partake in a balancing act.  

As for this very moment, I need to take a deep breath and take a break. I am trying to teach myself better ways to cope ... not to overdo everything when I get that special day when the old me is a resident in this very alien body. I'll let you know the results. Thank goodness that the perfectionist is simply unable to function, as she would have lost it a long time ago!  

For anyone that shares their life with someone that deals with any chronic condition, & for those in the thick of it themselves - whatever the particular case may be - there is a wonderful document called "The Spoon Theory," which offers a clear, relatable and universal explanation of how it feels to live in a body that battles a chronic condition on a daily basis. You can do a general Google search, or go directly to the author's site via the link I have provided on my pages in order to read this wonderfully written piece. 

Spondylolisthesis is a spinal condition in which the vertebra slips forward from the vertebra below. Spondylo means spine, and the word listhesis, literally means to slip. While this condition is actually fairly common in the population, it is rare for the condition to slip to a degree that is great enough to create problems. Physicians and the medical community label the varying degrees of slippage, from least to most severe, as grades 1 through 5. A complete slip, beyond that of a "grade 5," where the vertebra no longer sits on the other vertebra, is called Spondyloptosis. This condition can occur at any vertebra level, but is more commonly seen in the lumbar region of the spine. This is the area in which I experienced my Spondyloptosis. I am now considered a grade 5 following numerous surgeries, procedures, and a full body cast. There are a number of debated "fixes" (surgeries/procedures) for Spondylolistheis, but due to the infrequency of the condition becoming extreme enough to require surgery, they are more experimental than common practice, in my opinion. I am not a doctor, nor am I an expert on this condition, that is, if you consider an "expert" as someone whom has credentials in the medical field. I have simply dealt with this condition, first hand, for my entire adult life, and the majority of my juvenile years as well. My hope for this page on Spondylolisthesis is to utilize the power of the internet in order to reach as many individuals, in all age groups, whom may be dealing with this condition in their life. Whether the given condition is labeled at a level 1, or if the case is more severe, I hope that my personal experience, insight, and research with regards to the spinal abnormality, may help as many individuals as possible. This condition tends to be less well known than other conditions and diseases, and I found it difficult to connect with any fellow sufferer's during my painful, tough, and life altering struggle with this extremely painful condition. There are many "experimental" fixes for this condition, which are ultimately determined by the grade level found in the patient. I believe that it is highly important for anyone whom faces decisions regarding medical intervention be able to obtain as much information, even the detailed and nitty gritty (if you will), so that they may truly be able to choose the best option(s) for their specific case. Not only are there a few different surgical and medical procedures as possibilities for treatment, but there are also a few alternative options that may work well for both an intervention, along with possible combination of treatments, which may result in a more rounded and promising future for a patient. Treatment is often determined by the severity, but even in the most severe cases, there are a few options that may not be presented or addressed by a provider, therefore limiting options, and resulting in a rush for the operating table. Now don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to surgical intervention, as my condition was very severe, and without immediate intervention, my overall quality of life would have been bleak, even deadly. I would also like to note, that like many surgeries, whether it be on your spine or your heart, surgical intervention may assist in increasing the overall quality of life, but it rarely, if ever, makes one "normal" again, nor "fixes" the health issues completely. This is a myth. There will always be a sort of "life long up-keep," which is required to assist in allowing your body to work the best way possible, in a less than normal state. Again, this is my opinion, which is based simply upon my personal experiences, observations, and research. 

I hope that anyone whom may be just learning of this condition (parents who are educating themselves with regards to their child's recently diagnosed condition, any adult that has just been diagnosed, and is seeking information, resources, options and help, along with those veteran Spondylolisthesis sufferers), may take time to research the condition to the best of their ability, ask many questions, thoroughly investigate all options that may be available (both western medicine and alternative health care), and feel free to contact me with any questions, advice, stories, or anything else that may be prevalent to the goal of assisting each other in making the pain, along with our general quality of life, a little better. This condition is a life long presence and battle. It can be very scary, painful, and all around difficult. I will share my timeline from my earliest pain and symptoms, to my surgeries, and ultimately, my current struggles. I pray that this page may help both those facing a Spondylolisthesis diagnosis, along with anyone whom finds themselves seeking support for a family member or friend. Even if I only manage to reach just one person struggling to stay afloat in this overwhelming process, I will be grateful that my painful experience was able to make another's less frightening and isolating. I know that there are others out there, and I cannot allow those who are facing the same daunting unknown, struggle through the darkness, when I have already walked the journey. 

As a last note, if you are dealing with ANY chronic health condition, please take a moment to read both the poem "Footprints In The Sand" & "The Spoon Theory."  ~ Blessings ~